How to Finally Let Go of Toxic Relationship Patterns, So You Can Experience Healthy Love with Shelly Burton

Shelly Burton: 00:00:00

So much of problems that we have in healing

Shelly Burton: 00:00:04

is because we're conditioned to think that the pain we've gotten

Shelly Burton: 00:00:07

used to feeling is who we are. It's not who you are. Who you

Shelly Burton: 00:00:12

are is the opposite of your pain. The purpose of your pain

Shelly Burton: 00:00:16

is to tell you something didn't work for you. But then, because

Shelly Burton: 00:00:20

we're we get habituated. You can't change your childhood

Shelly Burton: 00:00:23

environment as a cage, one you like. Don't even know how to

Shelly Burton: 00:00:27

speak your needs as a kid. You just know something feels bad.

Shelly Burton: 00:00:30

Like adults help to help you with that. No one helps you just

Shelly Burton: 00:00:34

get feelings stuck in your body. They stay there. You're

Shelly Burton: 00:00:39

conditioned to feel them. You think it's who you are, and then

Shelly Burton: 00:00:41

you you go through this reinforcement loop that, because

Shelly Burton: 00:00:44

you have certain feelings and beliefs, you attract and match

Shelly Burton: 00:00:46

to them, it was never who you were, yeah, ever like this is my

Shelly Burton: 00:00:52

whole system, right? You have to understand them and process them

Shelly Burton: 00:00:56

because they were signals of dysfunction in the environment,

Shelly Burton: 00:00:59

not dysfunction in you. Hello,

Kate Harlow: 00:01:02

beautiful. I am so excited for you to hear this

Kate Harlow: 00:01:06

week's episode before we jump in, I want to tell you a little

Kate Harlow: 00:01:08

bit about this very special guest, this magical medicine

Kate Harlow: 00:01:11

woman healer. Medicine woman came into my life in Costa Rica

Kate Harlow: 00:01:15

in 2021 and I have worked with a lot of healers in my life, and

Kate Harlow: 00:01:20

she has developed this system that blew me away, and so many

Kate Harlow: 00:01:25

changes started happening in my life after working with her. So

Kate Harlow: 00:01:29

I think I can even look back and say that perhaps me, so

Kate Harlow: 00:01:33

effortlessly moving to Greece on a whim was partly because of her

Kate Harlow: 00:01:38

and the work I did with her, we did some really, really deep

Kate Harlow: 00:01:40

healing. So she's developed her own system that incorporates

Kate Harlow: 00:01:44

working with subconscious beliefs, body wisdom,

Kate Harlow: 00:01:46

neuroscience, emotional trauma, turning your sensitivities into

Kate Harlow: 00:01:50

your superpower. She's worked with 1000s of people all over

Kate Harlow: 00:01:53

the world. She's very renowned in her healing, and just has

Kate Harlow: 00:01:56

some really high level perspectives on how to start

Kate Harlow: 00:02:00

taking your love life into your own hands and completely up

Kate Harlow: 00:02:04

level your standards and shift how you're doing dating and

Kate Harlow: 00:02:07

relationships. So this is an episode that I think all women

Kate Harlow: 00:02:10

should hear, and of course, like deepening into that spiritual

Kate Harlow: 00:02:14

self is such a big part of it, and she's just just has such a

Kate Harlow: 00:02:18

magical frequency, you'll be able to feel it, I'm sure, and

Kate Harlow: 00:02:21

he'll hear it from the episode. So I'm very excited for you to

Kate Harlow: 00:02:24

hear this episode. Share it with any woman who you know could

Kate Harlow: 00:02:26

benefit and let me know how it lands. Lots of love. Hello,

Kate Harlow: 00:02:35

beautiful. Welcome to the new truth podcast. I am so excited

Kate Harlow: 00:02:40

to share this incredibly beautiful guest with you today.

Kate Harlow: 00:02:43

Hi, Shelly. Shelly and I met in Nosara Costa Rica. When was that

Kate Harlow: 00:02:54

20? It would have been 2021, 2121 Yeah, yeah. It was like

Kate Harlow: 00:02:58

COVID times I escaped I escaped Canada. You escaped Canada. You

Kate Harlow: 00:03:01

escaped Canada. Everyone Canada. And we met in Nosara, Costa

Kate Harlow: 00:03:05

Rica, where everyone was escaping Canada and America, and

Kate Harlow: 00:03:10

we, I mean, you epically changed my life. I had, I don't even

Kate Harlow: 00:03:13

remember how many healing sessions I had with you, but I

Kate Harlow: 00:03:16

have, we did it weekly for a while, and I have all the

Kate Harlow: 00:03:19

recordings. I should go back and listen to them. We did a healing

Kate Harlow: 00:03:22

session every week, my first, my first time to know. So I was

Kate Harlow: 00:03:26

there for two and a half months, and I just turned 40, and I

Kate Harlow: 00:03:30

remember like it was fucking changing my life every week. It

Kate Harlow: 00:03:34

was so like the most powerful healing, and I'd experienced all

Kate Harlow: 00:03:38

healing at that point I'd worked with. So I was a business coach

Kate Harlow: 00:03:41

for woo, woo healers back then, and I done it all. So it was

Kate Harlow: 00:03:45

like the most mind blowing at the perfect time, just going

Kate Harlow: 00:03:49

through a breakup, seven year breakup, and you healed my heart

Kate Harlow: 00:03:53

in so many ways. So thanks for that first.

Shelly Burton: 00:03:56

Thank you for receiving and showing up and

Shelly Burton: 00:03:59

doing the work. It's, it's my honor. Yeah, I only want people

Shelly Burton: 00:04:03

to shine in their power and their truth.

Kate Harlow: 00:04:06

Yeah, that's very true. I just got chills. That's

Kate Harlow: 00:04:08

very, very true about you, and that's why I'm so excited. I was

Kate Harlow: 00:04:12

definitely divinely called to have Shelly on the podcast. I'm

Kate Harlow: 00:04:16

so happy to have you here and to share you with everyone, because

Kate Harlow: 00:04:19

you you really live a life of magic and conviction and getting

Kate Harlow: 00:04:23

to the root of whatever is in the way. And you shine. You're

Kate Harlow: 00:04:27

so sparkly and magical and radiant and and I believe we're

Kate Harlow: 00:04:31

all not. I believe we are all that, yeah, and that's available

Kate Harlow: 00:04:34

to all of us. So this episode ignites the hearts and the the

Kate Harlow: 00:04:39

inspire women everywhere, and

Shelly Burton: 00:04:42

give you the courage to do the excavation

Shelly Burton: 00:04:44

work, yes, hard, because you know healthy relationships,

Shelly Burton: 00:04:49

whether it's like you with your healed self and learning what

Shelly Burton: 00:04:53

that is, and you building healthy relationships around you

Shelly Burton: 00:04:57

that call you into your healed self, like give us. A strength,

Shelly Burton: 00:05:00

you know, to do that deep excavation work and affirm like,

Shelly Burton: 00:05:04

oh, wait, I do get more. Oh, wait, there is another side of

Shelly Burton: 00:05:07

this wound or this pain or this grief that, like, my survival

Shelly Burton: 00:05:10

system is like, don't go there. Yes. And so I there's so much

Shelly Burton: 00:05:18

power in conversations and in holding each other and helping

Shelly Burton: 00:05:22

us have the courage to, like, confront our deepest wounds and

Shelly Burton: 00:05:27

rewrite the story and re embody the story, and like, celebrate

Shelly Burton: 00:05:31

that. And you know, know that it's and ground it, and it's a

Shelly Burton: 00:05:35

fact that we're claiming about our lives. That's how we get to

Shelly Burton: 00:05:37

the sparkly and magic. And thank you for seeing that in me. And

Shelly Burton: 00:05:42

it's, it's, it's, I just think that the everyone has courage

Shelly Burton: 00:05:48

within them, just sometimes you need a little help knowing you

Kate Harlow: 00:05:53

do well said. So beautiful. Yeah, it's, I think

Kate Harlow: 00:05:57

of so this title How to finally let go of talk. I love writing

Kate Harlow: 00:06:00

titles for podcast episodes. It's one of my favorite things.

Kate Harlow: 00:06:03

How to finally let go of toxic relational patterns so you can

Kate Harlow: 00:06:06

experience Healthy Love. This is every like so many women, of

Kate Harlow: 00:06:10

course, our parents weren't given manuals on how to raise us

Kate Harlow: 00:06:14

in a healthy way, or they were not healed most for the most

Kate Harlow: 00:06:16

part. So so many women have these toxic patterns, and they

Kate Harlow: 00:06:20

keep attracting unhealthy love, or they keep not being able to

Kate Harlow: 00:06:23

receive love, like, there's just so much. So let's actually start

Kate Harlow: 00:06:28

with you. If, okay, that's okay, all right, I would love to hear

Kate Harlow: 00:06:32

a little bit about like, so you're when I reached out to

Kate Harlow: 00:06:35

you, you were like, Oh, this is the perfect time to be on the

Kate Harlow: 00:06:37

new truth, because I've been really healing a lot of old

Kate Harlow: 00:06:41

patterns around love, and that's been the area that you've been

Kate Harlow: 00:06:44

now focusing on, because you said you focus on career for so

Kate Harlow: 00:06:46

long, and so I would love to hear a little bit about, like,

Kate Harlow: 00:06:50

what were your relationships like before you healed your

Kate Harlow: 00:06:54

patterns? And, yeah, tell us

Shelly Burton: 00:06:57

your story. So I learned I had a fearful,

Shelly Burton: 00:07:00

avoidant and mixed attachment style. I never knew that my

Shelly Burton: 00:07:03

whole life, and for me, do you want

Kate Harlow: 00:07:06

to explain what that is first? Oh, sorry, not

Kate Harlow: 00:07:08

everyone knows attachment styles. We've

Shelly Burton: 00:07:10

done one or two. So people can be avoidant,

Shelly Burton: 00:07:13

meaning you run from intimacy, like it's your fear. Anxious is

Shelly Burton: 00:07:17

like, you cling. You're like, please stay. Don't leave me

Shelly Burton: 00:07:21

right? And a lot of times anxious and avoidance attract

Shelly Burton: 00:07:23

each other and can like this is just a very messy, complicated

Shelly Burton: 00:07:28

cycle, but that's anxiety ridden for everyone, one person just

Shelly Burton: 00:07:32

shuts down, and the other person gets anxious and chases. I

Shelly Burton: 00:07:35

learned I had, it's also called mixed or disorganized. I thought

Shelly Burton: 00:07:40

I was just career focused. I remember making the decision in

Shelly Burton: 00:07:43

high school that I was watching these girls crying about guys

Shelly Burton: 00:07:48

that broke their hearts. And I was like, that will never be me.

Shelly Burton: 00:07:50

You're not gonna end up with these guys. I'm like, you're

Shelly Burton: 00:07:53

taking time away from achievement. And I just focused

Shelly Burton: 00:07:57

on achievement because I could, I could do anything. I was very

Shelly Burton: 00:08:01

goal and career oriented, and that was very much, actually,

Shelly Burton: 00:08:05

like impact was very much my intention coming into this life.

Shelly Burton: 00:08:09

I didn't come in with, like, I relationship goals, um, I came

Shelly Burton: 00:08:14

in to create impact. And so as i i I went through a very after

Shelly Burton: 00:08:23

reaching a career peak and my best work ever, like billing at

Shelly Burton: 00:08:27

10k a week, base expenses being flown all over the world, having

Shelly Burton: 00:08:29

the privilege of what I say God working through me to facilitate

Shelly Burton: 00:08:33

medical miracles. I'm working on $200 million deals. Like my body

Shelly Burton: 00:08:37

crashed. I pushed it too hard, and I got COVID. And bad I got

Shelly Burton: 00:08:43

COVID, and my heart almost stopped. I was given the choice

Shelly Burton: 00:08:47

to exit this life, and I chose to stay, and I made my intention

Shelly Burton: 00:08:52

for the rest of it. I saw it was career before I'd done

Shelly Burton: 00:08:55

everything I came here to do, and the rest I was like, I just

Shelly Burton: 00:08:57

want to know what love is. Wow. Want to experience love in this

Shelly Burton: 00:09:02

lifetime. And so then became the deep excavation into

Shelly Burton: 00:09:07

understanding attachment wounds, why I hadn't been able to

Shelly Burton: 00:09:11

prioritize a relationship that I was actually avoidant. I didn't

Shelly Burton: 00:09:14

know that. I thought I was anxious before, but not

Shelly Burton: 00:09:18

prioritizing available people.

Kate Harlow: 00:09:21

Oh yeah, that's major avoidance. That's

Shelly Burton: 00:09:23

major avoidant. And then holding on to like the

Shelly Burton: 00:09:26

person you think is, like your soulmate, and you're like,

Shelly Burton: 00:09:28

completely in love with. You're like, I'm just gonna be patient.

Shelly Burton: 00:09:30

I'm just gonna do my work. And you're like, naming it as being

Shelly Burton: 00:09:34

like, spiritual and loving, when you're like, wait. But this

Shelly Burton: 00:09:37

isn't honoring myself and this isn't honoring my work. So I did

Shelly Burton: 00:09:41

a very, very deep dive on, like, letting go. I had to let go of

Shelly Burton: 00:09:45

my family. I

Kate Harlow: 00:09:46

had to, like, wait, wait, I need to pause you for a

Kate Harlow: 00:09:48

sec. So, so just to describe the anxious avoidant, so the

Kate Harlow: 00:09:50

avoidant feels very clear. So you were avoidant when you were

Kate Harlow: 00:09:54

like, I'm focused on career. I don't need love at all. But then

Kate Harlow: 00:09:56

when a guy came along that you liked, you would become anxious.

Kate Harlow: 00:09:59

Is that? You were a little bit of both.

Shelly Burton: 00:10:01

I became anxious, yeah, when I learned I broke

Shelly Burton: 00:10:06

someone's heart. I remember when I was 25 Yeah, in London, and I

Shelly Burton: 00:10:10

was like, Oh, I'm never doing that again. It was just so

Shelly Burton: 00:10:15

great. It was an accident. I was I pulled a player move. I was

Shelly Burton: 00:10:20

rotating, alternating.

Kate Harlow: 00:10:23

Everything is welcome here on the new chair.

Kate Harlow: 00:10:26

I'm young. Shelley. I love you so much.

Shelly Burton: 00:10:32

And I remember I broke his heart, and he was a

Shelly Burton: 00:10:34

good one. And I was like, I'm never going to do that again. I

Shelly Burton: 00:10:38

will never rotate through guys, because I'm being avoidant and

Shelly Burton: 00:10:43

not wanting to break my heart. So I opened my heart, but I

Shelly Burton: 00:10:46

wasn't opening it to healed love. I was opening it from my

Shelly Burton: 00:10:51

attachment point at that place, right, which is like repeating

Shelly Burton: 00:10:55

your trauma cycles that you don't know are there at the time

Shelly Burton: 00:10:58

until you do the work. So what I would attract from my open heart

Shelly Burton: 00:11:03

was avoidant people, so not wanting to hurt them, because I

Shelly Burton: 00:11:08

would hang on. Once I let them in, I would hang on thinking I

Shelly Burton: 00:11:13

was being loving and spiritual, but that's self abandonment. And

Shelly Burton: 00:11:17

so I worked very hard to develop secure love. I crushed it in

Shelly Burton: 00:11:21

business. I learned how to hold my worth right, and it's like,

Shelly Burton: 00:11:24

okay, like, I had to work really hard to be like, no, no, your

Shelly Burton: 00:11:30

heart just who you are as a human. Strip out accomplishment

Shelly Burton: 00:11:36

is worth being treated like a queen. That's it. You don't earn

Shelly Burton: 00:11:43

you don't prove, you don't hang on. You don't work through these

Shelly Burton: 00:11:47

like attachment systems that you have as a baby. Because we need

Shelly Burton: 00:11:51

connection as a baby. We need to hold on to our caregivers. We

Shelly Burton: 00:11:54

can't regulate our emotions. We need them to feed us, you know.

Shelly Burton: 00:11:58

So they're so primal, and they trigger you beyond conscious

Shelly Burton: 00:12:03

recognition, to hold on to people that mirror your parents

Shelly Burton: 00:12:06

and you think that's love, and you think that's safe. And when

Shelly Burton: 00:12:09

you go to let go of that, you have to confront grief. You have

Shelly Burton: 00:12:13

to confront aloneness. There's no instant dopamine hit from

Shelly Burton: 00:12:17

like, staying on a fantasy of like, this person's finally

Shelly Burton: 00:12:20

gonna like mirror the energy of your parents and making them

Shelly Burton: 00:12:23

love you in the way you needed to be loved. It doesn't mean

Shelly Burton: 00:12:25

they didn't love you, feel love for you, right? It's just felt

Shelly Burton: 00:12:29

in the way they loved. That's work. And then changing your

Shelly Burton: 00:12:33

compass to not only learn the qualities of Healthy Love for

Shelly Burton: 00:12:39

you, but then to find that, like, hot and sexy and

Shelly Burton: 00:12:45

attractive is everything for me, like women have learned to take

Shelly Burton: 00:12:53

charge of business. Okay, let's go a level deeper and take

Shelly Burton: 00:12:58

charge of, like, what's hot for us, right? And then you can come

Shelly Burton: 00:13:04

in forward to rise and meet you. Go ahead. I

Kate Harlow: 00:13:06

was just going to say to your So, to the sovereign

Kate Harlow: 00:13:09

woman inside that the the healthy adult version of you,

Kate Harlow: 00:13:13

Healthy Love. I mean that part does is attracted to Healthy

Kate Harlow: 00:13:17

Love, the part that's attracted to toxic relationships and toxic

Kate Harlow: 00:13:22

situations and toxic dynamics, really, because everyone plays a

Kate Harlow: 00:13:26

part. There's so much conversation about what I love

Kate Harlow: 00:13:28

about the the attachment styles is you're looking at both parts

Kate Harlow: 00:13:32

being toxic, and it's the dynamic. It's not, oh, the

Kate Harlow: 00:13:35

narcissists are the toxic ones. It's like you're in a

Kate Harlow: 00:13:37

relationship with a narcissist because there you're in your

Kate Harlow: 00:13:41

pattern too, right? You're you're playing the other side.

Kate Harlow: 00:13:45

You're sacrificing your fantasy, you're Yes, and

Shelly Burton: 00:13:49

that's so I think. Thank you for bringing

Shelly Burton: 00:13:51

that up. There's so subconscious patterns, right? Our

Shelly Burton: 00:13:56

subconscious mind runs 90 to 95% of all thoughts this programming

Shelly Burton: 00:14:00

is largely set from zero to seven. It's also set through

Shelly Burton: 00:14:03

shock, so trauma and repetition. So we have these default

Shelly Burton: 00:14:07

emotional experiences running our beliefs and what we're

Shelly Burton: 00:14:12

attracted to behind the scenes. We can't even see them. So you

Shelly Burton: 00:14:17

like without having done the work to like excavate, we only

Shelly Burton: 00:14:20

tend to find their problems when we end up in toxic

Shelly Burton: 00:14:23

relationships, and we're like, how did that happen? I was like,

Shelly Burton: 00:14:26

really in love, right? It's like, when we get to a problem,

Shelly Burton: 00:14:29

we're like, what is my part attraction wise? Okay, there's

Shelly Burton: 00:14:35

very real experience of being a victim. I'm not minimizing that.

Shelly Burton: 00:14:38

But when we come through it, it's like, okay, how do I do the

Shelly Burton: 00:14:42

work to like shift whatever point of attraction I had for

Shelly Burton: 00:14:45

this experience, we have to look at what beliefs made me think

Shelly Burton: 00:14:52

this was hot, like attractive, and is gonna match with whatever

Shelly Burton: 00:14:56

your emotional experience was. It doesn't matter if someone

Shelly Burton: 00:14:58

else in your house growing up. Had a completely different

Shelly Burton: 00:15:01

experience. It's irrelevant. It's whatever your experience

Shelly Burton: 00:15:04

was, you're going to be attracted to that trauma loop

Shelly Burton: 00:15:07

over and over again trying to resolve it. And it can feel like

Shelly Burton: 00:15:12

hell, right? You get this hit from the dopamine of like, Oh,

Shelly Burton: 00:15:17

they're going to love me. Oh, I'm just going to hang on it.

Shelly Burton: 00:15:22

It's addictive, or the fantasy, maybe they're not even showing

Shelly Burton: 00:15:27

up for you, but the story that they will feel so much better

Shelly Burton: 00:15:35

than the grief of them not being there that you hang on, that's

Shelly Burton: 00:15:40

not love, but it's not a delusion that needs blaming.

Shelly Burton: 00:15:45

Like, don't ever blame yourself as if you if you do that,

Shelly Burton: 00:15:50

because we all need love, we all need connection, but we need

Shelly Burton: 00:15:53

help to understand where this is coming from. A lot of it's not a

Shelly Burton: 00:15:57

conscious choice, right? It is your precious inner child trying

Shelly Burton: 00:16:03

to feel loved.

Kate Harlow: 00:16:06

And if you don't know how to love her, how are

Kate Harlow: 00:16:09

you gonna break the show she's running, the show she's

Shelly Burton: 00:16:12

running? So you're choosing from your

Shelly Burton: 00:16:13

wounds, and you need to one learn your choosing from your

Shelly Burton: 00:16:16

wounds, but not judge that part. Yes. And then we have to learn

Shelly Burton: 00:16:21

how to build up our healed self. I know you call her the heroine.

Shelly Burton: 00:16:24

You're saying, like, how does she come into relationship with

Shelly Burton: 00:16:27

our wound to give him or her or them the security they're

Shelly Burton: 00:16:33

looking for, right? That's a re patterning so that there is a

Shelly Burton: 00:16:39

towards of healthy connection, not through a fantasy, because

Shelly Burton: 00:16:44

the only way you're getting your needs met

Kate Harlow: 00:16:47

right that I'm still, I'm still start are not

Kate Harlow: 00:16:50

stuck, but like, I was so impacted by what you said about

Kate Harlow: 00:16:53

I don't, I'm going to paraphrase, but when you said

Kate Harlow: 00:16:57

the thing about how The fantasy, even though he's not showing up,

Kate Harlow: 00:17:02

the fantasy of him showing up feels so good and actually feel,

Kate Harlow: 00:17:07

yeah, it's like the way the child cell sooses makes up a

Kate Harlow: 00:17:10

fantasy in her mind about what's happening, instead of actually

Kate Harlow: 00:17:13

feels the pain of what's actually happening. And that's

Kate Harlow: 00:17:15

where the survival that is such a great explanation of that what

Kate Harlow: 00:17:19

I teach these saboteur archetypes, and one of them is a

Kate Harlow: 00:17:21

fantasy addict, and that is such a beautiful explanation of why

Kate Harlow: 00:17:27

the fantasy feels better, but it also creates hell internally

Kate Harlow: 00:17:30

because, because the person's not ever meeting the fantasy. So

Kate Harlow: 00:17:35

it's constantly expectation, disappointment over and over

Kate Harlow: 00:17:38

again that little girl would have had as a kid, totally

Shelly Burton: 00:17:41

and two points on this, it creates internal chaos,

Shelly Burton: 00:17:44

like you get a high, but it's also stressful because they're

Shelly Burton: 00:17:47

not there, right? So it's like, feels better than confronting

Shelly Burton: 00:17:52

what is right? There's no, like, dopamine hit from that. So we

Shelly Burton: 00:17:58

have to know why we're going through the grief, why we're

Shelly Burton: 00:18:01

going through the aloneness, all the feelings that we don't want

Shelly Burton: 00:18:03

to feel because we couldn't feel them as kids. If you felt all

Shelly Burton: 00:18:07

that as a kid that your parents can't meet your needs like you'd

Shelly Burton: 00:18:12

like you'd shut down, you have, you have to survive. So we have

Shelly Burton: 00:18:17

these mechanisms in place to ensure our survival, but at some

Shelly Burton: 00:18:20

point, we have to realize, hold up like we're the author of our

Shelly Burton: 00:18:25

life. We are not the victim to what the world's giving us at

Shelly Burton: 00:18:30

all we were we were feeling like the victim to this is the

Shelly Burton: 00:18:35

correct emotion, or like passive, because that's your

Shelly Burton: 00:18:37

experience as a child. So the feeling is accurate, feeling not

Shelly Burton: 00:18:41

who you are, but then we have to shift into the creator, the

Shelly Burton: 00:18:44

artist, whatever you want to call it, the healer, the dream

Shelly Burton: 00:18:47

weaver of like, hold up. No, I can change what I'm attracted

Shelly Burton: 00:18:51

to, and I can regulate myself right to soothe the trauma

Shelly Burton: 00:18:56

wound. So I'm choosing from my healed self who's hot to my

Shelly Burton: 00:19:00

healed self. How does she or they? How do they make decisions

Shelly Burton: 00:19:04

in relationships? How do I regulate myself to consistently

Shelly Burton: 00:19:09

come back to her and you're going to watch your dating

Shelly Burton: 00:19:12

experience change. It has to because your relation, like you,

Shelly Burton: 00:19:17

finally healed the wound, not because this magical person came

Shelly Burton: 00:19:20

in to do it for you, because you understand the architecture of

Shelly Burton: 00:19:23

your mind and trauma. No one can ever magically do that for you

Shelly Burton: 00:19:29

like it's not going to happen. It's just, it's not law. You

Shelly Burton: 00:19:32

have to embody that healing in your mind and then set it as a

Shelly Burton: 00:19:36

pattern, to attract that as a frequency in the world, and then

Shelly Burton: 00:19:41

you're responsible for the choices you make to move the

Shelly Burton: 00:19:43

needle. And you can make it fun to do that. You can like, big up

Shelly Burton: 00:19:46

yourself. We can create the chemical cocktail that gives you

Shelly Burton: 00:19:50

that a hit, a feel good, hit, right? Which motivates you to

Shelly Burton: 00:19:54

keep seeking reward, but from Healthy Love,

Kate Harlow: 00:19:57

yes? Oh my gosh. This is. So powerful. I feel

Kate Harlow: 00:20:01

like there's so many layers to this. I'm just thinking about

Kate Harlow: 00:20:04

our conversation before we hit record, and how you're talking

Kate Harlow: 00:20:07

about your dating experiences now. And one of the most, one of

Kate Harlow: 00:20:10

the things that stands out the most from your shares, and you

Kate Harlow: 00:20:14

can share whatever you want here, but what stood out the

Kate Harlow: 00:20:16

most is that you're you said something about every person

Kate Harlow: 00:20:20

you're attracting right now is an up level and an up level, and

Kate Harlow: 00:20:23

keeps expanding your belief in what's possible and what you get

Kate Harlow: 00:20:27

to experience and receive. And what I love about how you shared

Kate Harlow: 00:20:31

it is like there isn't. So when it's healthy love, when it's

Kate Harlow: 00:20:34

coming from that healed, healthy part of you, sovereign woman,

Kate Harlow: 00:20:37

heroin, I love that you said, Dreamweaver, so beautiful. But

Kate Harlow: 00:20:41

when it's coming from that part of you, that part is going to

Kate Harlow: 00:20:47

not be attached, it's like you're going to be even if

Kate Harlow: 00:20:50

you're three years into a relationship, you can still hold

Kate Harlow: 00:20:54

it with your palm open and not squeeze so tight and think,

Kate Harlow: 00:20:57

Okay, I got to make this work forever and not not be attacked

Kate Harlow: 00:21:00

like actually, just let it organically unfold. And then

Kate Harlow: 00:21:03

you're actually attuned when, when we're able to come from

Kate Harlow: 00:21:07

that sovereignty in that place inside of ourselves and no

Kate Harlow: 00:21:10

longer the Wounded Little girl, you're able to you're able to to

Kate Harlow: 00:21:15

feel when it's not aligned anymore, and let it go, which I

Kate Harlow: 00:21:19

think is one of the gifts of why you and I, our lives are are so

Kate Harlow: 00:21:22

big, and we've created, I mean, you live in Costa Rica, you have

Kate Harlow: 00:21:25

this epic business, this epic life, dating life, friends, all

Kate Harlow: 00:21:28

the things, and me too. And it's like being able to have this

Kate Harlow: 00:21:33

epic life, because people watch me and they're like, but you

Kate Harlow: 00:21:36

just make decisions so quickly. And how can you do that? It's

Kate Harlow: 00:21:39

because it's that part of me that's leading this, not

Kate Harlow: 00:21:41

attached to the future, that trusts when I'm complete

Kate Harlow: 00:21:45

internally with something, whatever's in the future is

Kate Harlow: 00:21:48

going to be my next gift, my next lesson, my next experience

Kate Harlow: 00:21:51

that I'm meant to have. And I

Shelly Burton: 00:21:53

think it comes down to for me, a lot of the

Shelly Burton: 00:21:56

work that preceded the dating work I did was about integ self

Shelly Burton: 00:22:01

integrity. Like, what does that mean? Yeah,

Kate Harlow: 00:22:05

let's talk about that. So,

Shelly Burton: 00:22:08

a practice at a five star resort, they built me

Shelly Burton: 00:22:11

an office. You know, the dream on the outside, but like,

Shelly Burton: 00:22:15

emotionally was not working for me. I'll leave it there. So this

Shelly Burton: 00:22:22

was of my first, I would say, really big moment of like only

Shelly Burton: 00:22:26

choosing myself because I chose to leave the office, I chose to

Shelly Burton: 00:22:30

leave everything and shut my entire business down to build a

Shelly Burton: 00:22:34

project called empathy hills that I knew it was the only

Shelly Burton: 00:22:37

thing I had left to do in this life. And it's a meditation

Shelly Burton: 00:22:39

program to support highly sensitive children and your

Shelly Burton: 00:22:43

inner child to build like the subconscious beliefs that you

Shelly Burton: 00:22:48

need for healing. So that ended up taking off, but it was

Kate Harlow: 00:22:51

but Okay, let's go back. Let's slow down the story

Kate Harlow: 00:22:53

a little bit. So you're in, you're in. Can we say where you

Kate Harlow: 00:22:57

were? Costa Rica, you also it wasn't that, just that you were

Kate Harlow: 00:23:00

complete with this job that was perfect. On paper and this like

Kate Harlow: 00:23:04

office in this setting and the people and the place, but you

Kate Harlow: 00:23:08

were also complete with the place, right? So, oh, so

Shelly Burton: 00:23:11

what I realized is, like living in the jungle

Shelly Burton: 00:23:13

was a gift. It's crazy. You learn amazing survival skills,

Shelly Burton: 00:23:16

and you learn to trust instincts, because, like, the

Shelly Burton: 00:23:19

systems and the infrastructure aren't there. So I'm so grateful

Shelly Burton: 00:23:22

for everything there. But I realized to live in chaos like

Shelly Burton: 00:23:27

that, you have to have a level of trauma in your root chakra to

Shelly Burton: 00:23:30

just agree to keep surviving. It's like, cool, I can survive

Shelly Burton: 00:23:34

crazy things, amazing, but I'm so healed, like I'm protecting

Shelly Burton: 00:23:40

my root chakra very important for relational work too. Like

Shelly Burton: 00:23:45

your literal root chakra, that's where you let people in, like,

Shelly Burton: 00:23:48

sexually, right? Protect it at all costs. Because you're so

Shelly Burton: 00:23:53

valuable as you are. I need to say that. Again, you are so

Shelly Burton: 00:23:57

valuable as you are. There was nothing worth compromising that

Shelly Burton: 00:24:01

for ever, ever, and your body will hold you accountable. Mine

Shelly Burton: 00:24:05

did. I started develop severe allergies to the point I was

Shelly Burton: 00:24:07

going through anaphylaxis, approaching anaphylaxis, my

Shelly Burton: 00:24:10

apologies. So it was like, no, no, no, this invite. I'm too

Shelly Burton: 00:24:15

healed to keep going through this. Let me go where it's

Shelly Burton: 00:24:19

stable and less cool people are like, what are you what are you

Shelly Burton: 00:24:23

doing? Where are you going? You know, I moved to San Jose, the

Shelly Burton: 00:24:27

capital. I loved the place I went to. I love the friendships

Shelly Burton: 00:24:31

I have here. It's like it wasn't a thing you did, but it was an

Shelly Burton: 00:24:36

integrity with myself. And then my career took off. Like I over

Shelly Burton: 00:24:38

quadrupled my income and the impact, you know, I started

Shelly Burton: 00:24:41

remotely changing bodies. That's a gift from God, like, so

Kate Harlow: 00:24:48

it's she means healing people remotely. People

Kate Harlow: 00:24:52

can't wrap their heads around that often, like the long

Kate Harlow: 00:24:54

distance healing. But I had, I had a session the other day, and

Kate Harlow: 00:24:56

it's why you'll have powerful distance healing. Is people,

Kate Harlow: 00:25:01

yeah,

Shelly Burton: 00:25:01

and I had to build the empathy heals program

Shelly Burton: 00:25:05

first, which, like rewires your subconscious mind for calm,

Shelly Burton: 00:25:08

safety, open heart, compassion, empathy, and attunes you to my

Shelly Burton: 00:25:11

frequency. So it sets the neurological tracks in the

Shelly Burton: 00:25:14

background that I can just then go in and kind of remotely

Shelly Burton: 00:25:16

change things, or it just puts the foundation in place so

Shelly Burton: 00:25:19

you're not trying to heal on top of this, only architecture of

Shelly Burton: 00:25:23

trauma, right? Have to like they want me to say that again, so

Shelly Burton: 00:25:26

you're not like tinkering with your conscious mind only trying

Shelly Burton: 00:25:30

to make these sweeping changes, so much of which you can't see.

Shelly Burton: 00:25:34

So like, let's get the tracks in your subconscious mind correct

Shelly Burton: 00:25:39

and supportive to healing. The same is true for dating, yes.

Shelly Burton: 00:25:43

How are you cared for when you are in pain? What do you believe

Shelly Burton: 00:25:46

about that? How do people, do people listen to you when you

Shelly Burton: 00:25:51

speak, or do you silence your voice? Right? These are all

Shelly Burton: 00:25:57

beliefs that get programmed into us, and if we don't rewire them,

Shelly Burton: 00:26:04

they're going to set our expectations for relationship.

Shelly Burton: 00:26:10

And then it's like, well, what's wrong with me? Why can't I

Shelly Burton: 00:26:13

attract more Well, no, what were you conditioned to believe? And

Shelly Burton: 00:26:18

how can we support you to change those beliefs, not only through

Shelly Burton: 00:26:20

willpower subconsciously, but re sculpting the architecture of

Shelly Burton: 00:26:24

what like Healthy Love is and understanding you deserve. That

Shelly Burton: 00:26:29

it's not a question, yeah, go ahead. I

Kate Harlow: 00:26:32

was just thinking, even for people who have who

Kate Harlow: 00:26:34

think they have healthy love, but they don't have sex with

Kate Harlow: 00:26:36

their partner, or they have, like, a nice marriage, they get

Kate Harlow: 00:26:40

along, but they don't really share vulnerably like I think, I

Kate Harlow: 00:26:43

think in the scripted old paradigm of relationship, where

Kate Harlow: 00:26:46

people are in it for a really long time, a lot of people think

Kate Harlow: 00:26:49

they have healthy love, but let's even define what is

Kate Harlow: 00:26:52

healthy love, because there is so much deeper and more you can

Kate Harlow: 00:26:57

have. So even if you think, Oh, I don't have toxic

Kate Harlow: 00:26:59

relationships, my friends do I have good relationships. But is

Kate Harlow: 00:27:02

good? Mundane? Is good? Your, your your roommates, like, what?

Kate Harlow: 00:27:07

What is what actually defines Healthy Love?

Shelly Burton: 00:27:11

This is a beautiful question. The first

Shelly Burton: 00:27:13

instinct I'm getting is it nourishes your heart. Obviously,

Shelly Burton: 00:27:16

yes, obviously. But even deeper than that, I think, is

Shelly Burton: 00:27:21

permission to grow, because what you find at Healthy Love at a

Shelly Burton: 00:27:25

certain level of the work, and what you find healthy love three

Shelly Burton: 00:27:28

months later, six months later, it should be evolving. The more

Shelly Burton: 00:27:32

work you do on yourself, the more your standards should raise

Shelly Burton: 00:27:36

right, the more conscious you can become about your

Shelly Burton: 00:27:38

communication, your needs. So I think healthy love not only

Shelly Burton: 00:27:42

honors your heart and honors your body and honors your

Shelly Burton: 00:27:45

boundaries, right? It lets you be you. Yes, honors your path,

Shelly Burton: 00:27:49

yes, Freedom just to be yourself. It doesn't trap you or

Shelly Burton: 00:27:54

control you or hold you down. And I think the most important

Shelly Burton: 00:27:58

thing for Healthy Love is where you're choosing from, from.

Kate Harlow: 00:28:04

I say that over and over again, that is everything

Kate Harlow: 00:28:06

for every, everything for everything. Where are you

Kate Harlow: 00:28:09

choosing from? You

Shelly Burton: 00:28:10

can take a relationship with a good

Shelly Burton: 00:28:12

foundation, healthy foundation, whatever you want to call that,

Shelly Burton: 00:28:16

but who you're being in the relationship, who you're both

Shelly Burton: 00:28:19

being, but let's just talk for you, dictates the direction it

Shelly Burton: 00:28:24

takes. So you're not only responsible for choosing from

Shelly Burton: 00:28:27

your healed self or like, obviously we're gonna have

Shelly Burton: 00:28:29

meltdowns and get triggered, and it's a beautiful way to see

Shelly Burton: 00:28:32

like, Oh, wow. Let me heal that. Yes, to come to become a more

Shelly Burton: 00:28:38

healed version of myself, relationships are like the best

Shelly Burton: 00:28:40

container for inner work in my experience, or to up level your

Shelly Burton: 00:28:44

vibration, because you can't hide.

Kate Harlow: 00:28:46

I like up leveling. I always say I don't like the

Kate Harlow: 00:28:49

word work because I'm like work. It's just like, that's the

Kate Harlow: 00:28:51

opposite of work. It's like, it's it takes commitment and

Kate Harlow: 00:28:54

devotion, but the you're upgrading and use, you use that

Kate Harlow: 00:28:57

language a lot upgrade. It's like you're upgrading your

Kate Harlow: 00:28:59

system, like, like a software program, we get to keep

Kate Harlow: 00:29:02

upgrading and upgrading and upgrading and upgrading and

Kate Harlow: 00:29:05

upgrading every time you're willing to go in and love the

Kate Harlow: 00:29:09

that wounded part, but be able to be with her from the other,

Kate Harlow: 00:29:12

from the sovereign woman, from the heroin, from the the dream

Kate Harlow: 00:29:17

Weaver,

Shelly Burton: 00:29:19

and have the maturity and the discipline

Shelly Burton: 00:29:22

about okay, I'm triggered right now. I'm feeling some heat,

Shelly Burton: 00:29:25

right? But I'm I'm going to pause, I'm going to take a

Shelly Burton: 00:29:27

minute, and I'm going to choose, or even throughout the dating

Shelly Burton: 00:29:30

process, it doesn't, you don't even need to be in a

Shelly Burton: 00:29:32

relationship with this to apply. This applies to like, every

Shelly Burton: 00:29:35

choice about attraction and love, period. Yes, like, Okay,

Shelly Burton: 00:29:41

where am I choosing from? That's your response, once you can see

Shelly Burton: 00:29:45

the difference between the wound right in your heel itself and

Shelly Burton: 00:29:48

you started to cultivate her, which we all need some help

Shelly Burton: 00:29:51

with, right? So, like, Please receive help with that. If

Shelly Burton: 00:29:54

you're like, right? Because we all need help seeing our blind

Shelly Burton: 00:29:59

spots. We all. Have them from trauma, once you have the

Shelly Burton: 00:30:02

ability to understand what your healed self is, your

Shelly Burton: 00:30:05

responsibility to move through the addictive impulses of trauma

Shelly Burton: 00:30:09

that are like, hang on, it's gonna feel so good. I'm in a

Shelly Burton: 00:30:12

fantasy, right? Getting your emotional needs met through like

Shelly Burton: 00:30:18

dopamine spikes in the present moment versus having the

Shelly Burton: 00:30:21

discipline just like finances, okay, you want to build money in

Shelly Burton: 00:30:24

your bank account and have a good relationship with money,

Shelly Burton: 00:30:26

well, that takes discipline right to go for the long term

Shelly Burton: 00:30:30

reward for me, same in Healthy Love, understand, there's a long

Shelly Burton: 00:30:34

term reward coming from like the discipline to consistently

Shelly Burton: 00:30:40

choose right? Not go for the instant dopamine hit. Choose

Shelly Burton: 00:30:44

your healed self always. Don't break your relationship with

Shelly Burton: 00:30:46

her,

Kate Harlow: 00:30:47

yeah, oh, I love that so much. Don't break your

Kate Harlow: 00:30:49

relationship. Do

Shelly Burton: 00:30:50

that because you don't know how to get your needs

Shelly Burton: 00:30:53

met in this moment. If you can't do that, then we need to help

Shelly Burton: 00:30:56

you get through the pain that's preventing you from being able

Shelly Burton: 00:31:02

to do that like and please, let us help you, because once you

Shelly Burton: 00:31:09

recalibrate this relationship, it ripples what we were talking

Shelly Burton: 00:31:13

about across every aspect of your life. Every time I held my

Shelly Burton: 00:31:17

worth and dating, I get more money in my bank account. It was

Shelly Burton: 00:31:19

amazing. Oh, wow. All I did was be like, No, I get better, but

Shelly Burton: 00:31:23

I'm valuing myself. Yes. What's interesting? I went from a

Shelly Burton: 00:31:27

dating dynamic I thought he was my person. Like, oh, my god, he

Shelly Burton: 00:31:31

was like, the perfect person for my trauma. My trauma. Loved him

Shelly Burton: 00:31:37

so much,

Kate Harlow: 00:31:40

and I honor him little Shelley's like, oh,

Shelly Burton: 00:31:43

like, she was like, This is it. I love her,

Shelly Burton: 00:31:47

and I love that dynamic so much, because there was no better

Shelly Burton: 00:31:52

healing container for me than to, like, see the resistance to

Shelly Burton: 00:31:56

actual love than that. Because, you know, when it's that

Shelly Burton: 00:32:00

intense, everything's magnified. And then as I learned what I

Shelly Burton: 00:32:05

deserved, and slowly up, leveled my beliefs, eventually we just

Shelly Burton: 00:32:11

ended. And I went from same day, one to the next, and the guys

Shelly Burton: 00:32:16

kept increasing in vibration, being so conscious in their

Shelly Burton: 00:32:19

communication, right? I'm in a pretty good situation right now,

Shelly Burton: 00:32:22

which I'm gonna I'm gonna hold, yeah, but it a much, not pretty

Shelly Burton: 00:32:27

good, a much better situation that required me to get really

Shelly Burton: 00:32:31

comfortable with commitment, stop my avoidant tendencies, and

Shelly Burton: 00:32:37

be like, no, no, you're safe. You're safe. And

Kate Harlow: 00:32:40

when we let go of that story, like the person,

Kate Harlow: 00:32:42

like, Oh, it's my person shows up that idea that the person is

Kate Harlow: 00:32:45

forever, that's part of the problem, because it's like,

Kate Harlow: 00:32:48

you're safe right now. And it's that holding it right the open,

Shelly Burton: 00:32:52

non attachment. But that can only if I could say

Shelly Burton: 00:32:55

one thing, yes, that follows choosing from your healed self,

Shelly Burton: 00:33:01

yes, right? Attachment comes from your unhealed self.

Shelly Burton: 00:33:06

Obviously, there's a like connection, a degree of

Shelly Burton: 00:33:09

attachment within a relationship. I feel like, yes,

Shelly Burton: 00:33:13

but it's like, I would call it bonding, deep bonding, and but

Shelly Burton: 00:33:21

if you need the certainty that they're going to be in this for

Shelly Burton: 00:33:24

you for forever, for you to trust you're okay in the

Shelly Burton: 00:33:28

relationship, where's your security coming from? Bring it

Shelly Burton: 00:33:35

from your healed self. Be that open container. Let them love

Shelly Burton: 00:33:39

you deeply in this moment whilst communicating your boundaries

Shelly Burton: 00:33:43

and standards. Yes, they have to rise to meet that. That doesn't

Shelly Burton: 00:33:46

mean you don't have standards, let me be exceptionally clear

Shelly Burton: 00:33:48

about that, but it means you let them rise to meet it, right? You

Shelly Burton: 00:33:53

don't not communicate them because you're afraid you won't

Shelly Burton: 00:33:55

be heard, and that's your conditioning. You don't people

Shelly Burton: 00:33:57

please and not speak up, or you don't hang on because you're

Shelly Burton: 00:34:00

afraid of them losing you. No, I'm in a good relationship with

Shelly Burton: 00:34:03

myself. I trust I am worthy of love. There's not one person

Shelly Burton: 00:34:08

that gives me love in my whole life. Such lack,

Kate Harlow: 00:34:12

yeah, such lack mentality and that, though, just

Kate Harlow: 00:34:18

that, the idea, like, I just think you know when you have

Kate Harlow: 00:34:23

yourself, you know that it everything just gets better, and

Kate Harlow: 00:34:27

life gets better and and, and when you trust, when, when you

Kate Harlow: 00:34:30

and the more the longer you're on this path of coming from that

Kate Harlow: 00:34:33

healed self and being able to work with these younger wounded

Kate Harlow: 00:34:35

parts, which, you know, I still have. They still come up. They

Kate Harlow: 00:34:38

still are still better, yes, unless they still arise. And

Kate Harlow: 00:34:40

both of us have been on this journey a really long time, but

Kate Harlow: 00:34:43

it's like, over time, you just develop so much evidence that

Kate Harlow: 00:34:47

life has you that it's only going to get better. You're only

Kate Harlow: 00:34:49

going to meet more aligned people, more a lot, and you're

Kate Harlow: 00:34:52

you become, like, more willing to let things fall away.

Shelly Burton: 00:34:56

Would you agree? Yeah, two points on that the

Shelly Burton: 00:34:58

evidence is so key. Right? This is why, when you're in the first

Shelly Burton: 00:35:02

learning of the new pattern, we have to reinforce with evidence

Shelly Burton: 00:35:05

from your healed self, even if it's like, you're the best, you

Shelly Burton: 00:35:07

so deserve this. You're the best at letting unhealthy love.

Shelly Burton: 00:35:10

You're so good at letting people adore you and step up and meet

Shelly Burton: 00:35:13

your standards, and they're so secure, and they love choosing

Shelly Burton: 00:35:15

you all the time. You're so chosen, like you can flood the

Shelly Burton: 00:35:21

part of you that's like, I don't know, I don't have evidence that

Shelly Burton: 00:35:25

this is how you can flood it, to give it the evidence which makes

Shelly Burton: 00:35:28

it easy to be more secure in that belief, which creates

Shelly Burton: 00:35:31

secure

Kate Harlow: 00:35:31

attachment, so creating it within yourself,

Shelly Burton: 00:35:35

and you can flood it, you know, your mind doesn't

Shelly Burton: 00:35:38

know the difference between what you tell it is happening, what's

Shelly Burton: 00:35:41

actually happening? So let's help it along, and let's help

Shelly Burton: 00:35:44

those new right neurons connect and form to create that new

Shelly Burton: 00:35:49

belief, which takes energy and repetition. Okay, you can do

Shelly Burton: 00:35:53

that. It's not hard because you can't do it. It's hard because

Shelly Burton: 00:35:57

it's new and like, there's a formula you can follow to create

Shelly Burton: 00:36:01

new beliefs and make them easy. The second part I wanted to say,

Shelly Burton: 00:36:05

are

Kate Harlow: 00:36:05

you going to tell us a formula, or is this a

Kate Harlow: 00:36:08

formula?

Shelly Burton: 00:36:09

Well, it's just, it's just repetition. I mean, it

Shelly Burton: 00:36:11

takes three weeks of consistent act, at least three weeks, at

Shelly Burton: 00:36:15

least three weeks of like repetition to create a new

Shelly Burton: 00:36:17

habit, right? So it's the same for any belief process. So

Shelly Burton: 00:36:23

that's it. Don't expect yourself to magically be able to do this

Shelly Burton: 00:36:27

on day one. You have to consistently do it, and that's

Shelly Burton: 00:36:30

why I created empathy heals the meditation programs to automate

Shelly Burton: 00:36:33

it for you do your homework, right? But it's built on the

Shelly Burton: 00:36:37

architecture because, like, help you build the foundation of calm

Shelly Burton: 00:36:41

and safety in your nervous system before we go into any

Shelly Burton: 00:36:45

trauma regulation. Because I don't see like if you have a bad

Shelly Burton: 00:36:48

memory come up, for example, because our body will try to

Shelly Burton: 00:36:50

flush out pain right as we increase in vibration. But I

Shelly Burton: 00:36:55

don't want anyone going into that until they have the

Shelly Burton: 00:36:57

foundational beliefs to self soothe.

Kate Harlow: 00:37:00

Self soothing. That's such a good word. That's

Kate Harlow: 00:37:02

it. That's what you're doing when, when she's activated and

Kate Harlow: 00:37:04

she wants the hit of doping, means she wants the text from

Kate Harlow: 00:37:07

the guy. She wants to reach out, she wants to see him one more

Kate Harlow: 00:37:10

time. Oh, I see closure. Oh, just need to see him one more

Kate Harlow: 00:37:12

time. I just need to. It's like those moments when you learn how

Kate Harlow: 00:37:15

to self soothe. That is it. That's such a beautiful word.

Shelly Burton: 00:37:19

And I actually built a 26 minute compassionate

Shelly Burton: 00:37:22

to give you empathy for whenever you're going through pain or

Shelly Burton: 00:37:24

hard moment. Oh, you can't outsource it. If you can't get

Shelly Burton: 00:37:28

there yourself, you can just play the meditation. So it's

Shelly Burton: 00:37:31

giving you the soothing right until that becomes so normal,

Shelly Burton: 00:37:35

like I my intention. I'm getting off to I'm going to go back to

Shelly Burton: 00:37:37

my other point, which is about receiving in a moment. Yes, yes,

Shelly Burton: 00:37:40

these do pair together, like, extremely well. I want it to be

Shelly Burton: 00:37:45

normal for your inner child or for actual children, which has

Shelly Burton: 00:37:50

become a huge area of my work with the mamas too, to like,

Shelly Burton: 00:37:54

know that they get soothing when they're in pain,

Kate Harlow: 00:38:00

which is what so many didn't get,

Shelly Burton: 00:38:03

right. And so why are we waiting until we have

Shelly Burton: 00:38:08

crises, like mental health crises, and then, like, fumble

Shelly Burton: 00:38:13

through the dark trying to learn these skills, when, if you

Shelly Burton: 00:38:16

understand how the mind's programmed, you can build it in

Shelly Burton: 00:38:20

from a young age and automate it. And the best part is the

Shelly Burton: 00:38:25

whole family will heal from this. So you can do this for

Shelly Burton: 00:38:30

your own inner child too, and it puts you in the energy of

Shelly Burton: 00:38:37

receiving love. Because masculine and feminine, we both

Shelly Burton: 00:38:40

have these energies. They're both so powerful, so part of the

Shelly Burton: 00:38:43

healed self discipline structure, what do I deserve?

Shelly Burton: 00:38:46

Holding that discipline right to like, not let your trauma run

Shelly Burton: 00:38:51

your life or dictate what's attractive to you sexually, like

Shelly Burton: 00:38:55

you actually can change that. That changed my life. That was

Shelly Burton: 00:38:59

probably I do this in sessions too. Like, make like, what's hot

Shelly Burton: 00:39:04

for you? Like, let a guy who like treats you well, be like,

Shelly Burton: 00:39:06

super sexy. Make it the hottest thing ever. Okay, the next part

Shelly Burton: 00:39:12

is receiving. You don't have to work to be loved. And that goes

Shelly Burton: 00:39:19

back to that non attachment piece. Let them meet you, right?

Shelly Burton: 00:39:25

Let them come if you need to up level, right? You're holding

Shelly Burton: 00:39:31

your worth. Give them space. Let them come towards you. That's

Shelly Burton: 00:39:35

secure. You're literally embodying security there. And if

Shelly Burton: 00:39:38

you're unsure about whether they're going to come, so you're

Shelly Burton: 00:39:41

holding on, you're needing, like, quick feedback. Quick

Shelly Burton: 00:39:43

Feedback. You need to make sure to what are you telling the

Shelly Burton: 00:39:45

universe? I'm not sure you're not embodying secure, stable

Shelly Burton: 00:39:50

love. So how are you going to call it forward in your life?

Kate Harlow: 00:39:53

That is so beautiful, and I just am feeling

Kate Harlow: 00:39:56

the energy of when you told the story about leaving your job,

Kate Harlow: 00:39:59

especially. They are leaving the office, and the fancy every

Kate Harlow: 00:40:03

wellness space, and the Nosara and life, and the life that

Kate Harlow: 00:40:06

looked good on the outside, that like when you told me that story

Kate Harlow: 00:40:10

before we hit record, is so it was so powerful. And I just felt

Kate Harlow: 00:40:14

this like, Oh, I'm committed and devoted to myself and my truth,

Kate Harlow: 00:40:18

and that's it. And this is the new truth podcast is like this.

Kate Harlow: 00:40:20

What the whole podcast is about is that every choice you make is

Kate Harlow: 00:40:23

for you, not for and not extracting feeling good enough

Kate Harlow: 00:40:28

from the world around you, because you'll never get it. The

Kate Harlow: 00:40:30

performance will never it will just reinforce your trauma over

Kate Harlow: 00:40:34

and over and over. Yes, you have

Shelly Burton: 00:40:36

to, and you have to remember like the most

Shelly Burton: 00:40:38

illuminating thing about moving here is because I just loved it.

Shelly Burton: 00:40:41

I felt so safe. I knew my root chakra was protected, so my body

Shelly Burton: 00:40:44

didn't lie. The feeling I got in this place was like, obviously,

Shelly Burton: 00:40:49

the safer and more grounded and healthy my root chakra is, the

Shelly Burton: 00:40:53

more abundance I'm going to grow. It's, it's those two

Shelly Burton: 00:40:57

vibrations are coherent. So of course, even though I went from

Shelly Burton: 00:41:01

completely slashing my income to almost zero for a few months, of

Shelly Burton: 00:41:05

course, I quadrupled it, right, right? Because it's coherent.

Shelly Burton: 00:41:10

And if you don't trust yourself, and you trust society's

Shelly Burton: 00:41:15

correction, what you've been conditioned to do, yes, more

Shelly Burton: 00:41:19

than you trust yourself, you're never going to outgrow your

Shelly Burton: 00:41:24

conditioning, and it's never going to you're never going to

Shelly Burton: 00:41:27

feel just home and able to be yourself. And it was really the

Shelly Burton: 00:41:30

most interesting thing for correction. The hardest part

Shelly Burton: 00:41:33

about the move for me was I was so proud of myself. It was like

Shelly Burton: 00:41:37

the I felt like, I was like, Okay, this is it. Because I

Shelly Burton: 00:41:39

always had external validation. Image for me, used to be safety,

Shelly Burton: 00:41:43

right? If everything looked pretty, I was safe. I grew up in

Shelly Burton: 00:41:46

the horse world, show world, right? And it's a lot of my

Shelly Burton: 00:41:49

family's conditioning, and it's very pervasive within at least

Shelly Burton: 00:41:52

like North American society, right? So to really only have

Shelly Burton: 00:41:59

allegiance to my root chakra was just a huge moment for me, of

Shelly Burton: 00:42:05

like and to watch who fell away from my life because they were

Shelly Burton: 00:42:10

uncomfortable. It was like people I thought were my closest

Shelly Burton: 00:42:14

friends were really uncomfortable with me. Oh,

Shelly Burton: 00:42:18

that's going against the grain.

Kate Harlow: 00:42:20

Yes, this is important moment. Keep going

Kate Harlow: 00:42:22

from this point, really women, a lot of women, when they start to

Kate Harlow: 00:42:25

wake up and they start to listen to that inner compass, there,

Kate Harlow: 00:42:28

they get so challenged by their people in their lives, and want

Kate Harlow: 00:42:31

to hold on to those old relationships that too holding

Kate Harlow: 00:42:34

on. So

Shelly Burton: 00:42:35

this is really important. Whether you're doing

Shelly Burton: 00:42:36

the change in your dating life or it's just the relationship

Shelly Burton: 00:42:39

with self that was probably the hardest part for me, because we

Shelly Burton: 00:42:44

all need support circles, right? Or you have people who are your

Shelly Burton: 00:42:46

people, but it's like, Wait, how much of you was my people

Shelly Burton: 00:42:50

because I made you comfortable based on like, the success or

Shelly Burton: 00:42:53

the image I had crafted, right? That's not being my people,

Kate Harlow: 00:43:00

and you're moving to new frequencies, and so

Kate Harlow: 00:43:02

you're gonna, like, some people let go with you, and some people

Kate Harlow: 00:43:05

will fall away, and then you attract new ones,

Shelly Burton: 00:43:08

but you never lost Exactly. So the only thing

Shelly Burton: 00:43:10

I got was better friends, like, ride or die. I have the best

Shelly Burton: 00:43:13

girlfriends here. There's one girl in my building. I love her

Shelly Burton: 00:43:15

so much. She is like, the most protective female friend I have

Shelly Burton: 00:43:19

ever had in my life. Wow, like a friendship that has just healed

Shelly Burton: 00:43:24

me beyond she won't let me dip in my self worth. She's like, I

Shelly Burton: 00:43:27

am your self worth monitor.

Kate Harlow: 00:43:29

Oh, I love that. Everyone needs a self worth

Kate Harlow: 00:43:32

monitor. Friend, that's amazing,

Shelly Burton: 00:43:34

but there's no people pleasing, because I had

Shelly Burton: 00:43:36

broken that myself, so obviously I'm going to track that back in

Shelly Burton: 00:43:39

the relationships I get and the ones I lost. It's like, you

Shelly Burton: 00:43:44

don't I didn't actually lose anything. There's still moments

Shelly Burton: 00:43:47

of grief sometimes where I'm like, Oh, I love that person. I

Shelly Burton: 00:43:50

wish we were still close. But I can see they're trapped. They're

Shelly Burton: 00:43:56

trapped in society, correction, conditioning, of like, behaving,

Shelly Burton: 00:44:01

doing everything, having the perfect image, no. So there is

Shelly Burton: 00:44:07

that challenge of like people are going to fall back. And

Shelly Burton: 00:44:10

there are people versions of you loved. And I think letting

Shelly Burton: 00:44:15

yourself reformulate what love is in that moment, and you're

Shelly Burton: 00:44:18

allowed to be really proud of yourself for back to this word

Shelly Burton: 00:44:22

courage, for having the courage to hold for more and build more

Shelly Burton: 00:44:25

and not let your attachment to your old support network

Shelly Burton: 00:44:29

actually hinder you

Kate Harlow: 00:44:32

or to anything. Yeah, and I think to the to the

Kate Harlow: 00:44:36

saboteur mind, the ego mind. It's like so afraid to let go in

Kate Harlow: 00:44:42

fear that nothing else is coming. And like we talked about

Kate Harlow: 00:44:45

earlier, like you just collect so much more evidence over your

Kate Harlow: 00:44:49

the further, the deeper you go within yourself in this

Kate Harlow: 00:44:52

relationship, and operating from that healed self, as you said,

Kate Harlow: 00:44:56

and having the healed self, love the little self, the. It, the

Kate Harlow: 00:45:00

deeper you go, the easier it gets, because you just have so

Kate Harlow: 00:45:03

much evidence. It's like, you know, more people are coming the

Kate Harlow: 00:45:07

right aligned and it's gonna feel better than it did before,

Kate Harlow: 00:45:10

because it's coming from your deepest, purest, most aligned

Kate Harlow: 00:45:13

self,

Shelly Burton: 00:45:14

totally. And I think there's, there's also a

Shelly Burton: 00:45:16

really important step that can help you understand where the

Shelly Burton: 00:45:19

saboteur voice is this coming from? For me, it's like the ego

Shelly Burton: 00:45:22

part of our mind. It's the survival part of our mind that

Shelly Burton: 00:45:25

only looks backwards in time. So if we're just listening to that

Shelly Burton: 00:45:28

voice, we think it's the truth, because it's like fear and it's

Shelly Burton: 00:45:31

strong, but it's like, wait, wait, that's the fear part of my

Shelly Burton: 00:45:35

mind. That's the survival part of my mind that only knows

Shelly Burton: 00:45:39

what's possible based on history. So of course, it

Shelly Burton: 00:45:41

doesn't think this can happen, like you're correct based on my

Shelly Burton: 00:45:45

history, like your voice is correct. So we don't make it

Shelly Burton: 00:45:51

wrong. We're not gonna project it onto the present moment. We

Shelly Burton: 00:45:53

just contextualize it so it can relax. We're like, thank you so

Shelly Burton: 00:45:58

much for trying to help me. You're doing like, such a good

Shelly Burton: 00:46:00

job of, like, remembering my history. I know you only want me

Shelly Burton: 00:46:04

to be safe, but I'm good, because I'm creating from all

Shelly Burton: 00:46:07

possibilities right now, not just my history, right? That

Shelly Burton: 00:46:13

once you get there, then we can start to like, like I said,

Shelly Burton: 00:46:18

build the like you're saying, build the evidence. I'm like,

Shelly Burton: 00:46:20

big up the healed reality. And so you claim it as your truth.

Shelly Burton: 00:46:25

Big up. Love it. Yeah, until it's like, fun and it feels

Shelly Burton: 00:46:28

good, so excited about it, and you know you got it, and you can

Shelly Burton: 00:46:31

feel it in your body. And you claim that as your truth. I

Shelly Burton: 00:46:33

think so much of problems that we have in healing is because

Shelly Burton: 00:46:40

we're conditioned to think that the pain we've gotten used to

Shelly Burton: 00:46:43

feeling is who we are. It's not who you are. Who you are is the

Shelly Burton: 00:46:49

opposite of your pain. The purpose of your pain is to tell

Shelly Burton: 00:46:52

you something didn't work for you, but then, because we're we

Shelly Burton: 00:46:57

get habituated. You can't change your childhood environment as a

Shelly Burton: 00:47:01

kid, one you like, don't even know how to speak your needs as

Shelly Burton: 00:47:04

a kid, you just know something feels bad, like adults have to

Shelly Burton: 00:47:07

help you with that. No one helps you. Just get feelings stuck in

Shelly Burton: 00:47:12

your body. They stay there. You're conditioned to feel them.

Shelly Burton: 00:47:16

You think it's who you are, and then you you go through this

Shelly Burton: 00:47:18

reinforcement loop that because you have certain feelings and

Shelly Burton: 00:47:21

beliefs. You attract and match to them. It was never who you

Shelly Burton: 00:47:24

were, yeah, ever like, this is my whole system, right? You have

Shelly Burton: 00:47:31

to understand them and process them because they were signals

Shelly Burton: 00:47:33

of dysfunction in the environment, not dysfunction in

Shelly Burton: 00:47:37

you. And until you can process them like, like, I said,

Shelly Burton: 00:47:41

Separate your identity, validate them, and then move yourself

Shelly Burton: 00:47:44

into your truth, which is the opposite. That's the purpose of

Shelly Burton: 00:47:46

pain to be like, don't do that. Like, it would be super weird if

Shelly Burton: 00:47:50

we felt great about people degrading us. That would be a

Shelly Burton: 00:47:53

very bad guidance system, right? So they're trying to work,

Shelly Burton: 00:48:00

right? But there's just survival patterning mixed in with it to

Shelly Burton: 00:48:04

help us like belong in the tribe. So you just have to

Shelly Burton: 00:48:06

understand how this is all wired together, so you can get back to

Shelly Burton: 00:48:09

your truth. Have the courage to blame that and understand that

Shelly Burton: 00:48:12

the only person who can define your truth is you.

Kate Harlow: 00:48:17

Right. No one's coming to rescue you.

Shelly Burton: 00:48:19

But also, like no one knows better than you, it's

Shelly Burton: 00:48:21

the opposite of your pain. So like, for example, leaving

Shelly Burton: 00:48:25

nosada in that office, I didn't need a five another to have

Shelly Burton: 00:48:31

another five star resort lined up

Shelly Burton: 00:48:39

to to know I was making the right choice. I had the security

Shelly Burton: 00:48:42

in my nervous system, right? I didn't. I didn't have the doubt

Shelly Burton: 00:48:47

that was like, oh, I need to make sure it takes this box and

Shelly Burton: 00:48:50

this box of this box, and I'm good, no, I already felt it

Shelly Burton: 00:48:53

right. So, yeah, so it was my truth. That's all I needed. And

Shelly Burton: 00:48:57

I got there from doing so much trauma work, like, from having

Shelly Burton: 00:49:02

so much trauma happen in that environment that I just knew. So

Shelly Burton: 00:49:08

I think trauma, if I can say something like trauma, is never

Shelly Burton: 00:49:13

something to run from. It's hard and like, for anyone going

Shelly Burton: 00:49:15

through it, I'm really sorry. And when you have the tools to

Shelly Burton: 00:49:21

work through it. Your superpowers are on the other

Shelly Burton: 00:49:22

side of it. I swear to God. I like, swear to God. And your

Shelly Burton: 00:49:28

liberation, yeah?

Kate Harlow: 00:49:30

And you've witnessed that over and over and

Kate Harlow: 00:49:32

over again, not just in your own life, but in Al, the amazing

Kate Harlow: 00:49:35

humans you've helped facilitate healing on the planet with. And

Kate Harlow: 00:49:39

you've facilitated a lot of fucking

Shelly Burton: 00:49:42

Yeah, but to me, that's it. Like Earth is a great

Shelly Burton: 00:49:47

school. It's hard here. Like if you came here to do healing, not

Shelly Burton: 00:49:50

everyone came here to do healing, and that's okay if

Shelly Burton: 00:49:52

you're a sensitive soul and you came here to do healing, Earth

Shelly Burton: 00:49:55

can feel really hard. It can feel like the map you were

Shelly Burton: 00:49:58

given, just like does not. Work. Like, why? Like, what? Why do I

Shelly Burton: 00:50:04

hurt so much and like, why am I trying to make a change? And

Shelly Burton: 00:50:07

it's not happening. But once you start to understand your

Shelly Burton: 00:50:12

conditioning and how you can change it, then you it's like,

Shelly Burton: 00:50:17

the confidence you will develop in yourself from doing hard

Shelly Burton: 00:50:21

things, and the self trust that you can actually ask for more

Shelly Burton: 00:50:29

and hold it and demand it, and the universe will bring it to

Shelly Burton: 00:50:32

you. You're not only elevating your own life, you're you're

Shelly Burton: 00:50:36

changing the frequency on earth of what's possible, and that,

Shelly Burton: 00:50:39

for me is the ascension. Work like it's one choice at a time.

Kate Harlow: 00:50:45

I love the word elevating. Elevating so

Kate Harlow: 00:50:48

beautiful. And we elevate everyone around us. Even some

Kate Harlow: 00:50:51

people will be confronted, but sometimes the confrontation

Kate Harlow: 00:50:53

leads them into their own healing or their own spiral that

Kate Harlow: 00:50:57

leads them somewhere. But we're we're planting seeds regardless,

Kate Harlow: 00:51:00

like,

Shelly Burton: 00:51:00

totally, totally, and that's really important.

Shelly Burton: 00:51:05

I've had the experience of stepping into my biggest power

Shelly Burton: 00:51:08

and people that were the closest to me trying to bring me down,

Shelly Burton: 00:51:12

destroy me. It's one of the hardest things I've ever gone

Shelly Burton: 00:51:14

through. Back to my learnings about love, but it really

Shelly Burton: 00:51:18

illuminated me how much societal conditioning or attachment

Shelly Burton: 00:51:23

wounds can try to keep us safe by clinging to what we've known.

Shelly Burton: 00:51:30

Because to let go of like some of your deepest connections, to

Shelly Burton: 00:51:34

choose actual love is not an easy feat. I don't want to make

Shelly Burton: 00:51:38

light of it. It's hard, but confidence comes from hard

Shelly Burton: 00:51:43

things, and true happiness comes from just knowing you have good

Shelly Burton: 00:51:50

relationships and healthy relationships in your life that

Shelly Burton: 00:51:52

you have built. They're not trauma driven. And you can also

Shelly Burton: 00:51:56

let people not be healed. You can let them have pain because

Shelly Burton: 00:51:59

no one trying to sabotage you is a bad person, like at all, they

Shelly Burton: 00:52:05

just have pain that they're probably not even aware of,

Kate Harlow: 00:52:10

right? That's no important, it. They're not bad,

Kate Harlow: 00:52:13

not about you.

Shelly Burton: 00:52:15

And so that's when you know you're really

Shelly Burton: 00:52:17

healed, when you can, like, hold a boundary, right? And also

Shelly Burton: 00:52:22

understand why not everyone can join you in your reality. It's

Shelly Burton: 00:52:26

their own pain, or they just don't want to heal, and that's

Shelly Burton: 00:52:29

okay. Yeah, yeah, it's okay.

Kate Harlow: 00:52:34

So important. So this is so beautiful. Okay, so

Kate Harlow: 00:52:38

let's summarize everything, like the top, the top three. So you

Kate Harlow: 00:52:42

said the first, I'm trying to remember the first one. Second

Kate Harlow: 00:52:44

one was receiving. What was the first one about

Shelly Burton: 00:52:47

boundaries, holding your worth, holding your

Shelly Burton: 00:52:49

worth, so knowing the difference between your trauma, self,

Shelly Burton: 00:52:53

driving patterns, yeah, yourself. And the great thing

Shelly Burton: 00:52:56

about really hard things is they show you right, your trauma

Shelly Burton: 00:53:00

wounds, right? So we can, we can totally bless every dating

Shelly Burton: 00:53:03

challenge you have. We love it because it's going to give us

Shelly Burton: 00:53:06

the grounds to ask excavate and be like, Okay, how did this

Shelly Burton: 00:53:09

happen? Okay? So trauma self wound itself, who they love

Shelly Burton: 00:53:14

versus who healed self loves. Then hold your worth. Learn the

Shelly Burton: 00:53:20

standards. What are you holding for? And your healed self is

Shelly Burton: 00:53:26

going to do really good job of it. Then receive. Step through

Shelly Burton: 00:53:31

receive. You gotta let it come. You gotta let it breathe. Non

Shelly Burton: 00:53:34

attachment is you so beautifully embody Kate like it, I feel like

Shelly Burton: 00:53:38

you've completely mastered this frequency 100% so for everyone

Shelly Burton: 00:53:42

listening, she lives at 100% right? It's hard to do, so I

Shelly Burton: 00:53:47

respect it greatly. Just let the highest form of love in your

Shelly Burton: 00:53:53

current vibration find you.

Kate Harlow: 00:53:55

Yes, expanded love, yeah, and I think, I imagine,

Kate Harlow: 00:53:59

you have a similar experience. The more we the more we expand

Kate Harlow: 00:54:03

into all those beautiful, loving places within ourselves, the

Kate Harlow: 00:54:06

more expansion we have in all areas of our lives. So then

Kate Harlow: 00:54:09

we're less attack, we get become less attached when you're more

Kate Harlow: 00:54:13

full inside of yourself, when you when you're satiated in all

Kate Harlow: 00:54:17

the ways. Because you're doing workshops you love, you're doing

Kate Harlow: 00:54:19

practices you love, you're going to classes you love, you're

Kate Harlow: 00:54:21

hanging out in neighborhoods, you're living neighborhoods.

Kate Harlow: 00:54:23

You're living in an area that feels super aligned, like me and

Kate Harlow: 00:54:25

Kenya and you and your neighborhood. It's all like,

Kate Harlow: 00:54:29

this is what happens, is like, the more we listen and our

Kate Harlow: 00:54:32

bodies like you and I were talking about before we hit

Kate Harlow: 00:54:35

record, you had allergies at that other place, and you severe

Kate Harlow: 00:54:40

allergies, like screaming at you, I was gonna move in with a

Kate Harlow: 00:54:43

friend, like, when I'm in Kenya, like, leave my stuff there. And

Kate Harlow: 00:54:47

I went for one night, and I the next day, I had eczema under my

Kate Harlow: 00:54:50

eye and five pimples, and I was like, what? And so our bodies

Kate Harlow: 00:54:54

are so intelligent. They're part, I think let's talk about

Kate Harlow: 00:54:57

this for a little bit. They're part of the in. Cater of the

Kate Harlow: 00:55:00

toxic relational dynamics or the situations or places or

Kate Harlow: 00:55:04

whatever.

Shelly Burton: 00:55:04

Yes, and it's having the courage, the

Shelly Burton: 00:55:08

attunement to one, listen to them, because if you grew up in

Shelly Burton: 00:55:12

an environment that invalidated your emotions, you learn to

Shelly Burton: 00:55:16

suppress your truth, to follow what you're taught to do. It

Shelly Burton: 00:55:18

helps you survive, but also teaches you a fundamental

Shelly Burton: 00:55:21

distrust or devaluation of your needs and your body. And the

Shelly Burton: 00:55:26

more sensitive you are, the more painful it is to experience

Shelly Burton: 00:55:29

this, and the more important it is that you listen, because the

Shelly Burton: 00:55:32

more sensitive you are emotionally, and a lot of

Shelly Burton: 00:55:34

healers, right, have high sensitivity, it's a gift, but

Shelly Burton: 00:55:39

the cost of not listening is higher. Word of listening is

Shelly Burton: 00:55:43

higher. So one the courage to listen to your body and let it

Shelly Burton: 00:55:50

guide you. It will never steer you wrong. I mean, I have a

Shelly Burton: 00:55:53

whole other experience. I had a brain injury at 21 and drop out

Shelly Burton: 00:55:57

of school like and I could see energy and feel everyone's

Shelly Burton: 00:56:00

bodies and all their pain. It took me a long time to

Shelly Burton: 00:56:03

understand what this was and how to heal, and that I couldn't

Shelly Burton: 00:56:07

follow society's script anymore. Obviously, there's layers of

Shelly Burton: 00:56:09

external validation. I still have to heal, but I've only been

Shelly Burton: 00:56:12

allowed to be a healer since then, I was never at my body

Shelly Burton: 00:56:15

would not work in an office. Despite having like, an Oxford

Shelly Burton: 00:56:18

degree and being a published researcher in public health, it

Shelly Burton: 00:56:22

was like, nope, right? So what I've learned from this is, even

Shelly Burton: 00:56:27

if it's scary to listen to your body, it will never lie to you

Shelly Burton: 00:56:33

ever. So listen

Kate Harlow: 00:56:37

and there's a there's a distinguishing point.

Kate Harlow: 00:56:39

And I get asked this a lot, I've started to notice people's

Kate Harlow: 00:56:42

physical hand gestures when they're talking from the pattern

Kate Harlow: 00:56:46

versus from the body. Because, because one thing I just noticed

Kate Harlow: 00:56:50

it at my last immersion, I was like, oh, like, when they say,

Kate Harlow: 00:56:54

Oh, that's a no for me, but you put your hand out or you, you're

Kate Harlow: 00:56:57

in the future. You're putting your hands in front of you.

Kate Harlow: 00:56:59

That's your pattern talking. It's resistance versus the no in

Kate Harlow: 00:57:03

your body. You point at your body, or when something's a yes

Kate Harlow: 00:57:05

in your body, people put their hands on their hearts. They're

Kate Harlow: 00:57:08

like, Oh, that feels so good. It's so fascinating. It Yeah, it

Kate Harlow: 00:57:11

was just a sudden I was super plugged in at the last

Kate Harlow: 00:57:14

immersion. And I was like, whoa. I just started seeing things I'd

Kate Harlow: 00:57:16

never noticed before. But that's one thing I want to distinguish,

Kate Harlow: 00:57:20

because our body never leads us astray. However, your mind, your

Kate Harlow: 00:57:23

stories in your mind, will create feelings in your body.

Kate Harlow: 00:57:26

So, for example, like, when you're in fantasy love, and then

Kate Harlow: 00:57:29

your body feels these chemicals, and you're like, my body's

Kate Harlow: 00:57:31

talking to me, You must be the one. There's no like, you know,

Kate Harlow: 00:57:33

there's no script that comes along with the body feelings.

Kate Harlow: 00:57:36

It's like, it's it. Can you talk about that? Because that's so

Kate Harlow: 00:57:39

important.

Shelly Burton: 00:57:40

Kate, this is an amazing point. Thank you for

Shelly Burton: 00:57:42

bringing this up. And this is one of the most confusing things

Shelly Burton: 00:57:44

about dating. Yeah, I swear to God, right. So this is where we

Shelly Burton: 00:57:51

really have to understand what addiction feels like to the

Shelly Burton: 00:57:55

Fantasy Versus your truth. Those are two different feelings,

Shelly Burton: 00:58:00

intuition versus fantasy addiction. This is why for me,

Shelly Burton: 00:58:07

take what feels true for you. We need very objective criteria,

Shelly Burton: 00:58:12

standards. You could call them standards of what a healthy love

Shelly Burton: 00:58:18

relationship, dating dynamic

Kate Harlow: 00:58:20

is and feels like

Shelly Burton: 00:58:23

yes, but also like the the true for me, it

Shelly Burton: 00:58:29

starts with just like, is it taking its time? Are you feeling

Shelly Burton: 00:58:33

rushed? Oh, yeah, right, healthy. Love is slow, but it's

Shelly Burton: 00:58:37

consistent, right? When you voice your need, do they

Shelly Burton: 00:58:40

respond? Are they pushing timelines on you right, or

Shelly Burton: 00:58:46

letting it evolve in its own pace, but showing up

Shelly Burton: 00:58:48

consistently? Are they honoring your needs? Does your heart feel

Shelly Burton: 00:58:51

listened to and safe and held right? People will only reveal

Shelly Burton: 00:58:56

themselves over time. Everyone wants to look great,

Kate Harlow: 00:59:01

yes, and everyone also wants to rush it

Shelly Burton: 00:59:04

because, but that's from lack Yes. So there's

Shelly Burton: 00:59:07

this balance between consistency. For me, it has to

Shelly Burton: 00:59:11

be consistent. That's, that's one of my standards, right? But

Shelly Burton: 00:59:15

not rushed.

Kate Harlow: 00:59:16

I love these standards. They're so yummy.

Kate Harlow: 00:59:18

There's, they're

Shelly Burton: 00:59:19

essential, because it gives you the

Shelly Burton: 00:59:22

framework to listen from, okay? So if you have a framework, and

Shelly Burton: 00:59:30

you can have these kind of objective standards, right, that

Shelly Burton: 00:59:34

you can come back to and be like, does do? I feel like

Shelly Burton: 00:59:36

they're doing this, and then watch when you're going into a

Shelly Burton: 00:59:41

story that's from your trauma, oh, they're the one for me. Oh,

Shelly Burton: 00:59:44

we're going to be in relation. I feel so good I know this is

Shelly Burton: 00:59:46

going to happen, or you're really anxious they're not going

Shelly Burton: 00:59:49

to show up. So you're like, I don't know, making up other

Shelly Burton: 00:59:52

stories about other people. Just relax. Stick to your standards.

Shelly Burton: 00:59:57

Let them meet it. Okay. Learn. What each of those feel like. If

Shelly Burton: 01:00:01

you don't know, go on a journey, I don't know, what does a

Shelly Burton: 01:00:04

consistent person feel like? I'm so deserving of it. I love when

Shelly Burton: 01:00:07

people consistently choose me and show up for me. It's the

Shelly Burton: 01:00:09

best feeling ever. You can create it in a meditation. You

Shelly Burton: 01:00:14

can learn the feeling and then match. If the person is that

Kate Harlow: 01:00:21

I love that. What were the Can You Say it again?

Kate Harlow: 01:00:23

The consistent and slow. So because I think that, yeah, it's

Kate Harlow: 01:00:29

like, it's consistent, but spacious. I love that. Like it's

Kate Harlow: 01:00:32

slowly, organically unfolding. It's not rushed. It's not

Kate Harlow: 01:00:34

getting to the future, getting to the thing, yeah, but, but

Kate Harlow: 01:00:37

it's consistent. That's how Patricio was in the beginning.

Kate Harlow: 01:00:40

He was always consistent, but it was super spacious like that.

Kate Harlow: 01:00:43

But I love the reason I said feel. So actually, I want to

Kate Harlow: 01:00:47

take this another layer, because you described it like a feeling.

Kate Harlow: 01:00:51

So one of the things I've noticed is that there's so many

Kate Harlow: 01:00:54

teachings out there that are like, look for the red flags.

Kate Harlow: 01:00:56

What's wrong? We're like, what look you want to look out for

Kate Harlow: 01:00:58

the narcissist and it has women disconnected from their bodies

Kate Harlow: 01:01:01

and in their minds, looking for who's right, who's wrong, who's

Kate Harlow: 01:01:04

good, who's bad. So now you're disconnected from, actually,

Kate Harlow: 01:01:06

your inner guidance, which is, has all the answers. So, but the

Kate Harlow: 01:01:10

way you describe that, the standards, they are a feeling,

Kate Harlow: 01:01:14

and then you so that's what I love so much about them. It's

Kate Harlow: 01:01:17

like, does it feel consistent? Does it feel you're not like,

Kate Harlow: 01:01:20

looking at him? Like, is he doing a good job? It's like,

Kate Harlow: 01:01:22

what's my experience? That's your experience. That's in your

Kate Harlow: 01:01:26

body. And so the information is in your body. It's both, for me,

Kate Harlow: 01:01:30

it's both facts and yes, yes, facts and feelings. Yes, yes.

Kate Harlow: 01:01:33

When someone's consistent

Shelly Burton: 01:01:35

with you, you're going to feel relaxed, when when

Shelly Burton: 01:01:37

you it's going to feel easy. It's not going to feel like

Shelly Burton: 01:01:40

work, to just coexist. Okay, be together. Build something. It's

Shelly Burton: 01:01:46

you're going to feel calm and relaxed. So it doesn't mean

Shelly Burton: 01:01:51

you're not excited and they're not hot for you. But my

Shelly Burton: 01:01:54

experience, like, if you have a conflict, I had the healthiest

Shelly Burton: 01:01:58

dating transition ever. I'm so grateful for it. Whenever there

Shelly Burton: 01:02:01

is a problem, we could speak. He'd get on the phone right

Shelly Burton: 01:02:04

away. We'd hash it out. He'd take accountability for his

Shelly Burton: 01:02:07

part. I take I later took accountability for my part. It

Shelly Burton: 01:02:10

was so

Unknown: 01:02:12

like, used to be, like, not in the moment I got that.

Shelly Burton: 01:02:17

Oh, wait, there's a part for me. And he just did

Shelly Burton: 01:02:22

the work. Instantly. He listened to everything I said, but that

Shelly Burton: 01:02:25

also gave him permission to bring his truth to the

Shelly Burton: 01:02:29

relationship, the dating. And it was, it was so healthy, because

Shelly Burton: 01:02:33

we could each speak our needs, zero drama, right? So it's like

Shelly Burton: 01:02:39

it just felt easy because we had the courage to do hard things,

Shelly Burton: 01:02:44

right? It's hard to speak your needs, it's hard to trust

Shelly Burton: 01:02:47

yourself, it's hard to hold a boundary and not like, stay in

Shelly Burton: 01:02:50

something when you have another conversation about what you're

Shelly Burton: 01:02:53

both looking for, right? That's your job to be clear, basically

Shelly Burton: 01:02:59

going in, and if you're not clear about what you want and

Shelly Burton: 01:03:02

you don't have standards to measure against, what are you

Shelly Burton: 01:03:06

feeling for? Right? Have your standards. Be brave, say hard

Shelly Burton: 01:03:13

things, let them reject you.

Kate Harlow: 01:03:17

Yeah, because, then you have information because,

Kate Harlow: 01:03:19

and I just think, like, that's the only actual way to real

Kate Harlow: 01:03:23

intimacy, the reason people like rush to get married and live

Kate Harlow: 01:03:26

happily ever after, but they don't have sex. You know, five

Kate Harlow: 01:03:29

years into their relationship, barely at all, or they hate each

Kate Harlow: 01:03:33

other deep down, or they're avoidant, or whatever is

Kate Harlow: 01:03:35

happening inside of the home. Even though they might seem like

Kate Harlow: 01:03:38

they have a good relationship, looks perfect. It looks perfect

Kate Harlow: 01:03:42

on the outside, like, yeah, like you talked about before, is

Kate Harlow: 01:03:44

because they're not having those conversations and deepening in

Kate Harlow: 01:03:47

intimacy and and, and we're afraid to, like you said, be

Kate Harlow: 01:03:50

rejected. But actually, let, let yourself be rejected. I think

Kate Harlow: 01:03:54

that's like, the best, the best way to date, is be rejected so

Kate Harlow: 01:03:58

that you can get clear on who's aligned with you get okay with

Kate Harlow: 01:04:01

it. Yeah, you're

Shelly Burton: 01:04:04

not gonna die. I promise

Kate Harlow: 01:04:06

when you're breaking everything down is so I

Kate Harlow: 01:04:09

knew you. I knew in my heart that you would, because you're

Kate Harlow: 01:04:13

always so clear, and I just feel like how you're articulating

Kate Harlow: 01:04:17

everything is so valuable and so clear, and you're so powerful,

Kate Harlow: 01:04:22

and you're holding the frequency, which, of course, is

Kate Harlow: 01:04:24

the most important thing, that you are embody, the embodiment

Kate Harlow: 01:04:27

of everything you're sharing, and that you're Yeah, your

Kate Harlow: 01:04:31

magic. And this is so such an important, incredibly healing

Kate Harlow: 01:04:35

episode for every woman, I mean, who doesn't have their patterns

Kate Harlow: 01:04:39

leading their relationships. So tell us about So you've talked a

Kate Harlow: 01:04:43

little bit about the meditation, empathy, heels, yeah, practice.

Kate Harlow: 01:04:48

Got that. We'll link everything below, but tell us a little bit

Kate Harlow: 01:04:52

about how to work with you. What are what do you have available

Kate Harlow: 01:04:54

to have to support women further?

Shelly Burton: 01:04:57

I do remote sessions only, but I ask. That

Shelly Burton: 01:05:00

we start with the meditation program, right, where you

Shelly Burton: 01:05:03

program yourself for at least calm for three to four weeks,

Shelly Burton: 01:05:07

and then ideally safety, because it fast tracks everything you're

Shelly Burton: 01:05:10

going to get so much more out of each session, and also gives you

Shelly Burton: 01:05:14

the opportunity to meet my frequency, right? And like,

Shelly Burton: 01:05:17

build trust and build a relationship. So then, when we

Shelly Burton: 01:05:20

go in and do an hour or 90 minute sessions, we get to work.

Shelly Burton: 01:05:25

And I like to work with people consistently, because it's I'm

Shelly Burton: 01:05:30

in it for the real change, like I am going to fight for you. I'm

Shelly Burton: 01:05:33

going to be your cheerleader. I'm going to be hit you

Shelly Burton: 01:05:36

straight, whether it's money or relation or anything. I don't

Shelly Burton: 01:05:39

care what it is, just the real, real to get you in alignment

Shelly Burton: 01:05:43

with your healed self so you can calm the reality that you want.

Shelly Burton: 01:05:48

Empathy heals alone. That's my baby. I work a lot, also with

Shelly Burton: 01:05:53

kids, moms and kids has become my sweet spot, including medical

Shelly Burton: 01:05:57

emergencies. Side note, I also work on business deals, like

Shelly Burton: 01:06:01

high level business sales, like $200

Kate Harlow: 01:06:02

million deals, whatever you need. She's got

Kate Harlow: 01:06:05

whatever you need. I

Shelly Burton: 01:06:06

can do acquisitions also, and supreme

Shelly Burton: 01:06:09

court custody battles, you know, I got covered. Oh my gosh.

Shelly Burton: 01:06:15

Empathy heals. This is my baby. So this is just the meditation

Shelly Burton: 01:06:19

program, and it teaches you also all the things I talked about in

Shelly Burton: 01:06:23

this podcast about your identity being linked to pain, how to how

Shelly Burton: 01:06:29

to move it into your truth and self Soothe the wound through

Shelly Burton: 01:06:31

compassionate empathy. So there's two versions coming.

Shelly Burton: 01:06:34

It's for sale on empathy heals.com. By the time this is

Shelly Burton: 01:06:37

out or empathy heals.me, my apologies, there'll be a kids

Shelly Burton: 01:06:41

one release, so you can give it to your little child to help

Shelly Burton: 01:06:46

them, like, develop the foundation for their healing

Shelly Burton: 01:06:48

that they'll carry forward into future generations. Or you can

Shelly Burton: 01:06:52

do it. It's like it's everything, and the kids are so

Shelly Burton: 01:06:54

happy because they don't know how to ask for what their needs

Shelly Burton: 01:06:57

are. But once they're met, they respond instantly, because a

Shelly Burton: 01:07:00

little nervous systems are so malleable

Kate Harlow: 01:07:05

that is amazing. It's, it's, we

Shelly Burton: 01:07:07

have to do this like and then, or you can do it

Shelly Burton: 01:07:10

for your own inner child. So yeah, phone sessions

Kate Harlow: 01:07:16

are empathy hills, and we'll link everything below.

Kate Harlow: 01:07:18

We'll link your social media too. So, so everyone can follow

Kate Harlow: 01:07:24

you. Thank you for this incredible like, I'm gonna

Kate Harlow: 01:07:28

listen back. I'm so many things you I'm just like, holy shit,

Kate Harlow: 01:07:32

it's so I almost don't have words. It just the way that you

Kate Harlow: 01:07:37

describe everything. I feel like it's so accessible and yet so

Kate Harlow: 01:07:42

wise, and so many things you said, it was like, that's a

Kate Harlow: 01:07:44

quote that needs to be on a t shirt, that needs to be on a

Kate Harlow: 01:07:46

bumper sticker, but incredibly powerful healing you're doing on

Kate Harlow: 01:07:50

this planet. And I'm so grateful to have you in my life, and I'm

Kate Harlow: 01:07:53

and it's also completely like, so beautiful to witness you now,

Kate Harlow: 01:07:58

because I knew you back then, and you've always been the most

Kate Harlow: 01:08:00

profound healer I've ever met, ever Like honestly, the most

Kate Harlow: 01:08:04

extraordinary work I've ever done. The deepest was with you,

Kate Harlow: 01:08:08

and so I'm deeply grateful for how you've impacted my path.

Kate Harlow: 01:08:12

Because right after we worked together, I moved to Greece, and

Kate Harlow: 01:08:15

that I was just I was just following my truth. I was just

Kate Harlow: 01:08:19

in a spontaneous moment, but I was just journaling about how

Kate Harlow: 01:08:23

living because now I'm now I'm being called to Kenya and more

Kate Harlow: 01:08:26

and more. And I was just journaling about how Greece

Kate Harlow: 01:08:29

totally changed my life. And it started with Costa Rica, with

Kate Harlow: 01:08:32

you and me following my truth on my 40th birthday during COVID,

Kate Harlow: 01:08:37

all my friends were trying to plan a Whistler birthday or

Kate Harlow: 01:08:39

something like that, because it was COVID times, and then

Kate Harlow: 01:08:41

everything kept closing, and I was like, you guys, I'm out. Go

Kate Harlow: 01:08:44

to Costa Rica, went by myself, followed my truth and met you

Kate Harlow: 01:08:46

there, and you totally changed my life in such a big ways. And

Kate Harlow: 01:08:50

it's so beautiful to witness where you are now and how much

Kate Harlow: 01:08:53

you've up leveled now. And I feel it, and I see it, and I

Kate Harlow: 01:08:56

honor it, and I yeah, just deeply love. I To me, I'm, I'm,

Kate Harlow: 01:09:02

I'm only a fan of having, you know, sharing the work of women

Kate Harlow: 01:09:06

who are really showing up for themselves and living it, you

Kate Harlow: 01:09:09

know, and you are living it, and you're amazing.

Shelly Burton: 01:09:12

Thank you for having me, and thank you for

Shelly Burton: 01:09:15

doing the work and asking brilliant questions. The one

Shelly Burton: 01:09:20

thing my guides, I'm a channel, so I always have a feed going on

Shelly Burton: 01:09:23

here. They wanted me to share that I was given the choice

Shelly Burton: 01:09:27

after I started empathy hills, to leave this earth, because I

Shelly Burton: 01:09:29

completed everything I came here to do, and I chose to stay, and

Shelly Burton: 01:09:34

I chose to learn love, which I mentioned early. So it feels

Shelly Burton: 01:09:37

like a privilege to get to do this level of work and talk

Shelly Burton: 01:09:42

about it right like so thank you for having me. Thank you for

Shelly Burton: 01:09:47

letting me share. I feel like choosing to be here and really

Shelly Burton: 01:09:51

choosing to explore love and break the attachment

Shelly Burton: 01:09:55

conditioning is probably the greatest gift.

Kate Harlow: 01:10:01

Yeah, I just heard my voice say, maybe I'll choose

Kate Harlow: 01:10:03

love. That is how inspiring. And I'm so glad you didn't leave and

Kate Harlow: 01:10:10

and that how beautiful that you chose. And so it's like now, and

Kate Harlow: 01:10:14

it's the remembering. I think the gift in what you just said

Kate Harlow: 01:10:17

is the remembering that we always have choice, and when we

Kate Harlow: 01:10:19

don't know what we don't know, we don't know, we don't but as

Kate Harlow: 01:10:21

soon as you have awareness, which you all do now, if you've

Kate Harlow: 01:10:23

been listening to the new truth for a long time, you have

Kate Harlow: 01:10:25

awareness. And you know, certainly from this episode, you

Kate Harlow: 01:10:29

have choice as an adult, when you're a kid, you didn't you do

Kate Harlow: 01:10:32

now. So choose, choose, choose something different, choose love

Kate Harlow: 01:10:37

and that that's like, that's what's going to heal this

Shelly Burton: 01:10:40

planet. Yeah, and you have power to choose, and

Shelly Burton: 01:10:42

that's how we get there. Yes, I feel like we're done. It's like,

Shelly Burton: 01:10:46

that is it life? It ripples outwards, and then we make the

Shelly Burton: 01:10:51

world a better place.

Kate Harlow: 01:10:52

We do. We do the famous worlds of MJ, heal the

Kate Harlow: 01:10:55

world, make it a better place. Love you so much. And as always,

Kate Harlow: 01:10:59

share this with every woman who needs to hear this powerful

Kate Harlow: 01:11:02

episode. Listen to it over and over again and let us know how

Kate Harlow: 01:11:07

it landed, and reach out to Shelly because she is magic.

Kate Harlow: 01:11:10

Love you so much. We'll see you all next week. Huh?